Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
