So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
