I faked an abortion last night.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
