Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
