You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
