Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
