She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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