I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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