I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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