Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
