my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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