It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
