i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
