shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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