I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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