I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
