Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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