I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
