You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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