Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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