So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
