My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
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