DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
