remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
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