If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
