The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
They took my balls.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Randomize
