You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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