So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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