I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
