Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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