ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
