Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
