Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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