Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
