doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
