Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
