when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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