Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
