I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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