So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
