never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
