i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
