Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
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