I am in a vortex of obligation.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
