Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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