ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
i need to put some appletini on your dick
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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