I could have mohawked her pubes.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
