Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
