you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
