Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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